Finding Your Own Way

In life it's often hard to know what the truth is. We are inundated with messages about how we should behave from the time we are little children. When we finally start coming into our "own" we find that everybody is a flawed human just like us. You will have a lot of people who think they know what it the best for your life but you have to decide for yourself the way that you want to live.

When I was eight years old I was forced into a decision, not one that I necessarily wanted to make. As a boy growing up in the LDS church, it was expected that you get baptized when you turned eight. I didn't really know that the church was "true" but the message was that it was your duty to move forward and become an official member. I can recount the experience prettty well, although it was almost twenty years ago.

I remember being submerged under the water, and a lot of people looking at me when I came out. My Dads hands were reassuring and I felt safe. Maybe I had done something good? That Sunday I had "entered into the fold" as was announced, and I had this feeling of being more grown up. I was able to take the sacrament for the first time (at least in a meaningful way.)

This was the beginning of a cycle of sin and repentance. It wasn't until I was a teenager that this cycle became something of a problem. I would watch porn and masturbate and tell myself that I could just be forgiven when I took the sacrament. Sinning knowing that you could be forgiven was pretty self destructive.

This addiction persisted throughout the entire time I was a member of the church. When I was 18 I had my name removed from the church records. I questioned the word of wisdom and starting smoking cigarettes and pot, as well as drinking alcohol. I got into a lot of problems with the law of chastity and invariably had some major problems with school, my mental health, and my family.

Now at 27, I am on a slew of medications, am overweight, and am dealing with a lot of problems as I have surrounded myself with people who are battling their own demons. There is a lot to look forward too, and I'm not grim about the future. The way I see it is that we all have our own free agency. At the end of the day it's the small choices we make that add up to the habits that we create. I'm more excited than ever for the next couple of years and I feel like by the time I reach thirty years old I will have a lot better grasp on who I am as a person.

I'm fine living my life as an "ex-Mormon" but that's not really a term that satisfies me. I want to build my own identity. I recognize the importance of meditation, even in small spurts throughout the day to keep you grounded. You start to see that you are really your own best friend. It's lovely being affectionate with other people but I think true happiness is loving yourself even if all you are doing is taking a nice break on a Sunday.